Some consequences of keeping your loved one at home to long

I have discussed the issues surrounding when it is time to place a loved one in a facility. I do understand the answer to that question is different for everyone. I also understand there is a lot of guilt and shame associated with making that decision as well. I would like to take the focus off of the loved one who is ill, requiring care and put the focus on the family member who is the caregiver.


It takes a lot to be a caregiver and not everyone is willing or able to take on such a demanding selfless role. Caregivers give everything they possible have and empty themselves for the sake of their loved one. Often caregivers forget who they were before they started to give care. Being a caregiver require you to serve another person who sometimes might not be very nice or appreciative, because of a cognitive disease or who they use to be. Caregivers are transformed over the caring process due to the ever-changing needs of care receiver. By the needs increasing, a demand is now placed that the caregiver gives more of themselves mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Too often caregivers are in a mode of just giving. They give up all their own interest, hobbies, friends, even their jobs. They make their loved one the center of their universe and everything revolves around giving everything to their loved one. The caregiver eventually becomes isolated from the world, their friends, and associations. They began to neglect their own health, appearance, and needs. Caregivers often feel guilty when they even think about taking a break of any kind. They go on like this for years.

Caregivers, listen to me because I care about you. If something happens to you who will take care of your loved one and you? Forget the idea you deserve a break. Ponder the truth if you don't take a break something is going to happen to you. How long do you really think you can go without rest, good healthy food, relaxation, socialist, friendships, seeing the doctor to address your own health concerns and needs? I have witnessed caregivers mentally and physically fall apart after their loved one is finally placed or die. The most recent tragedy was a woman who had taken care of her husband for years and at the same time totally negleted herself. Her husband died. Two weeks later, she passed also.

I hear people often say they feel so guilty when they think of their loved one in a facility. One of my residents husband was the primary caregiver for three years. He did not sleep because he was afraid that his wife would wander out of the door on to the highway. They lived on a busy highway. He finally made the decision to place her in the haven. She adapted great. She begin to eat, gained some weight, adjusted well to the new environment. The husband on the other hand is having all kinds of physical problems and early dementia. Caregiver must rest and take a break. Their life and health depends on it. If you take regular breaks you will be nicer, kinder, more patience and you will be able to take things less personally. A lot of time caregivers start becoming short with their loved one just because they are tired and frustrated. The surprising thing is both the caregiver and their loved one gets a vacation when you use adult daycare or a respite program. Take a cruise; let someone cater to you for 7 to 10 days. Get a massage, sit by the pool and read a book. Go to a comedy show and laugh. Go to New York for the weekend and take in a Broadway show and visit the museums. Spend the day at the spa. The possibilities are endless but the benefits are priceless. And yes you are so worth it.

The Haven offers both services, to meet the needs of the entire family. If your loved one stays at the Haven during respite don't be surprise when you come to pick them up they ask you to just leave them there. It has happen several times.

Mistreatment of the Elderly by omission.

Do not ignore the changes you see when you visit your mom or dad. You cannot brush things off when you sense something is not right. As loved ones age they change. The changes are subtle and most are a normal part of the aging process and need only your support. For instance, reading glasses. But when you notice weight lost, the need for a cane or walker, falling, dizziness, bruises, skin tears, wearing dirty clothes, dirty hair, poor housekeeping, piles of unopened mail, losing interest in hobbies, the need for assisted living and not taking their medications.

When you see any of the above mentioned start asking questions and investigate. Remember the changes were subtle so they might not be aware of what is happening or they may be in denial but still ask questions. If your aging loved one has a spouse beware that they will cover for them so take note, which could be going on.

The role of the adult child changes as parents’ age and require assistance. The changing role of the adult child is a natural progression. The adult child becomes the parent in a lot of ways. Prepare yourself; there are a lot of good resources available for the caregiver. Be proactive by getting siblings involved. This is the best time to discuss with your aging parent what their wishes are. This can be a good time to build a different kind of relationship or maybe repair any not so good relationship. Doing nothing is mistreatment by omission of the elderly.

Long term Care is not created Equal!!!

You really think it does not matter where your loved one stays at the end of their life? Where they spend their last years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds? Where they are when they take their last breath, the environment that there in? Do you think the mission statement of the facility really matters? When you have a loved one, who is vulnerable either because of a cognitive disease or a physical disability, you as the decision maker must do your due diligence to make sure your loved one is going to be well taken care of. One of the first questions people asks when they are seeking a place for their loved one is, the cost. This is not where you want to start the conversation. Do not allow this to be your major focus. Trust me, there are places where you will pay less, but you will be getting a lot less. Start with the mission statement of the facility. Do you agree with it? Are there some beliefs or ideas about vulnerable people that concern you? Do the mission statement and what you see and feel when you enter the facility agree? Unfortunately our society does not value elderly individuals who have progressive disorders such as dementia, diabetes, CHF, kidney disease, COPD, etc. Remember assisted living/ long term care facilities are an extension of our society. So don't take it for granted that places you think would value are loved ones do, because in reality a lot of them don't. This is a problem because these diseases are not going to go away anytime soon. Does an individual lose their value as a human being, because they have a chronic progressive disease which makes them vulnerable? How do you think your loved one should be treated, the last years of their life? Do you think it matters? All assisted living / long-term care facility are not the same.