I have discussed the issues surrounding when it is time to place a loved one in a facility. I do understand the answer to that question is different for everyone. I also understand there is a lot of guilt and shame associated with making that decision as well. I would like to take the focus off of the loved one who is ill, requiring care and put the focus on the family member who is the caregiver.
It takes a lot to be a caregiver and not everyone is willing or able to take on such a demanding selfless role. Caregivers give everything they possible have and empty themselves for the sake of their loved one. Often caregivers forget who they were before they started to give care. Being a caregiver require you to serve another person who sometimes might not be very nice or appreciative, because of a cognitive disease or who they use to be. Caregivers are transformed over the caring process due to the ever-changing needs of care receiver. By the needs increasing, a demand is now placed that the caregiver gives more of themselves mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Too often caregivers are in a mode of just giving. They give up all their own interest, hobbies, friends, even their jobs. They make their loved one the center of their universe and everything revolves around giving everything to their loved one. The caregiver eventually becomes isolated from the world, their friends, and associations. They began to neglect their own health, appearance, and needs. Caregivers often feel guilty when they even think about taking a break of any kind. They go on like this for years.
Caregivers, listen to me because I care about you. If something happens to you who will take care of your loved one and you? Forget the idea you deserve a break. Ponder the truth if you don't take a break something is going to happen to you. How long do you really think you can go without rest, good healthy food, relaxation, socialist, friendships, seeing the doctor to address your own health concerns and needs? I have witnessed caregivers mentally and physically fall apart after their loved one is finally placed or die. The most recent tragedy was a woman who had taken care of her husband for years and at the same time totally negleted herself. Her husband died. Two weeks later, she passed also.
I hear people often say they feel so guilty when they think of their loved one in a facility. One of my residents husband was the primary caregiver for three years. He did not sleep because he was afraid that his wife would wander out of the door on to the highway. They lived on a busy highway. He finally made the decision to place her in the haven. She adapted great. She begin to eat, gained some weight, adjusted well to the new environment. The husband on the other hand is having all kinds of physical problems and early dementia. Caregiver must rest and take a break. Their life and health depends on it. If you take regular breaks you will be nicer, kinder, more patience and you will be able to take things less personally. A lot of time caregivers start becoming short with their loved one just because they are tired and frustrated. The surprising thing is both the caregiver and their loved one gets a vacation when you use adult daycare or a respite program. Take a cruise; let someone cater to you for 7 to 10 days. Get a massage, sit by the pool and read a book. Go to a comedy show and laugh. Go to New York for the weekend and take in a Broadway show and visit the museums. Spend the day at the spa. The possibilities are endless but the benefits are priceless. And yes you are so worth it.
The Haven offers both services, to meet the needs of the entire family. If your loved one stays at the Haven during respite don't be surprise when you come to pick them up they ask you to just leave them there. It has happen several times.
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